HELLOOOOOOOOO, I’m back! Have you missed me?! Wait…..you don’t know who I am? Great, now I’ve got to do introductions all over again. I’m the Big Bad Wolf, but if you’ve read my previous letters, you’ll know that I am truly the opposite of my title. I know, I know, you probably don’t believe my innocence and think I’m this evil villain. Well, please stop crying in fear since it is very annoying (I despise crying, especially crying children) and you have absolutely no reason whatsoever to be scared. As you know, I am famous for being the “antagonist” in the tales of The Three Little Pigs, The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and The Little Red Riding Hood. In every one of those stories, I am depicted as a villain when really, the true villains were right under your nose. The Three Little Pigs and The Boy Who Cried Wolf bullied me and as for The Little Red Riding Hood, you will find out soon…
First I shall begin by telling you the “original” tale of The Little Red Riding Hood and then I shall enlighten you with the true version of the story. One day I was minding my own business and enjoying a pleasant stroll through the dark woods when I came across a miniature human. This little girl was dressed in a red cloak and was nervously clutching a large basket. I asked her where she was going, she said she was off to her grandmother’s house, blah blah blah. Anywho, I reached her grandmother before she could and I gobbled up the poor elderly lady and disguised myself as her. The girl reached her grandmother’s house and it took her dumb, tiny, useless brain a while to process that I was masquerading as her sweet old granny. Terrified, she screamed for help and a nearby woodsman named John or Jack or something grabbed me and forced me to spit out grandma. He then dragged me through the woods. I’m pretty sure you can already tell that story is completely false, there is no way some old dude who chops wood can drag me, the great Big Bad Wolf, through the dark woods. And how in the world was grandma still alive after I “gobbled her up?!” That tale is seriously messed up.
Anywho, the truth is completely different. I was dawdling in the woods on a fine, breezy day. The sky was a beautiful robin egg’s blue, it was the type of day that entrances you into believing that life’s a melodious song and you are the singer. I caught sight of a little girl in a red cloak who was struggling under the weight of a large basket. Being the kind soul that I am, I offered my help in carrying the basket. I know, I’m so warmhearted! She graciously accepted and told me all about the luxurious food in the basket and how excited she was to be delivering it to her grandmother.
The girl really seemed like a pleasant child, but I soon learned that it was all a facade.
When we finally reached her granny’s house, it was hours past my lunchtime. Children really have no sense of time these days! The girl introduced me to her dear grandmother and the elderly lady thanked me for my help profusely. The thank yous were nice but did nothing at all to help my ever growing hunger. I decided to ask if I could share in the goodies from the basket that seemed to be calling my name. And you’ll never guess their response!! The child and her grandmother began laughing in my face! Their HAHAHAHAHAHAHAS will haunt me to this day. When it finally seemed there was no more laughter left in them, I was extremely hurt and asked for an explanation. The grandmother said, and I quote, “You are the BIG BAD WOLF, even though you may have helped my granddaughter, you shall never be welcome.” “ YEAH!” The granddaughter added, “Now get out!” Overcome by waves of sadness, I stumbled away from the house and into a nearby, welcoming cave. There, I managed to push away the sadness and devise my plan of REVENGE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well, now that I think about it, I guess I actually didn’t have much of a plan. Blinded by rage and hunger, I marched over to the evil grandmother’s house. I pounded down the rickety door and sauntered into the house. I guess that’s technically illegal since it’s breaking and entering but I was past abiding by the law at that moment. The child and the grandmother caught sight of me and before they could even open their mouths, I roared with anger. And what happens next is absolutely crazy! A whole ARMY of woodsmen somehow heard my growls and came running with axes and pitchforks. Of course I was terrified! And confused. How could there have been that many woodsmen in the area?!?! I didn’t puzzle over it for long though, I sprinted through them and made my way back to Home Sweet Home, which is where I will stay until the prohibition of woodsmen armies.
Now you know the truth, I am a harmless wolf WITH FEELINGS who was HANGRY. Well, what’s the moral of this story? Never EVER trust humans, especially tiny ones. Now I must go, it seems that there is another tiny human wandering around my home. This time, I know how to deal with them….
The BIG (Not so) BaD Wolf